It has been more than two weeks since my I stopped sleeping and we had to get the ‘owls’ involved. I call them my owls because they are the wise specialists who help keep me on the straight and narrow when things are going a little haywire. It has taken a long time to get the right ‘owls’ around me. At times I have wanted to give up on the whole mental health system because of the ridiculous amount of inept ability I kept stumbling upon. But I have found a very talented mental health nurse who is my case manager and an excellent psychiatrist. I can’t say I relate to my psychiatrist, her empathy skills are not great. But, I trust her. As a team, we have made some good decisions in relation to my mental health so I continue to keep them in my back pocket and bring them out when I need them.
It is always disappointing to have a relapse because you have worked so hard to build yourself up. You might even be thinking ‘I am cured!’ Then out of nowhere, it hits you. The thing is it never really does come from out of nowhere, does it? If you spend some time reflecting and are really honest with yourself, you can see that it has been building. A few missed night sleeps here. A few too many nights out on the drink there. Not to mention your lack of healthy eating, the death of your dog…and before you know it you have created the perfect storm.
It is hard to let control go back to the specialist, to let them tinker with your meds and your brains chemistry. To find yourself stuck in bed day after day while you wait to level out again. But it has to be done. While you are waiting for your brain to heal all you can do is give yourself over to the small things in life. A hot shower, a fresh change of clothes, a snuggle with the cat. All great things! Trashy Christmas films, writing in a journal, reading books. Attempting some baking, a phone call with a friend, listening to a podcast, connecting with nature. Nothing complicated, just simple stuff. All of these activities are like chicken soup for the soul. They nourish you slowly while you are mending.
While I write this my husband is lying next to me in bed watching his programmes, my cat is snuggled between us purring and I am comfortable, warm, and fed.
Those are all the things I can focus on right now.
How about you?